The Messy Middle:

When everything shifts and nothing makes sense anymore..

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I don’t know if it’s the heaviness of the world lately… or maybe it’s just been building quietly inside me over the years. But somewhere between the heartbreaking headlines, the stories of real suffering we see play out in real time on the same phones we use to call our family, post cute reels, and text our friends – I felt something crack open.

It was subtle at first. Like a whisper inside me saying, This isn’t it anymore.

The business I’d built, the brand I’d poured into, the strategy I could do in my sleep – it suddenly felt so… hollow. Frivolous even. How was I supposed to care about engagement rates and launch calendars when people were burying their babies, losing their homes, living through war, famine, injustice?

I couldn’t shake it.

And I still haven’t.

I tried to carry on like nothing had changed, but I wasn’t fooling anyone – especially not myself. So, I burnt it all to the ground. Not in a dramatic, throw-my-laptop-out-the-window kind of way. But in a quiet, sacred kind of way. I let it die, slowly. I stopped pushing. I stopped trying to “pivot” or “rebrand.” I just stopped.

And then something beautiful happened.

I became a mama – through adoption.

I co-founded a nonprofit with my friend.

I started doing things that actually made my heart beat again.

But here’s the thing no one tells you about following what lights you up: you don’t always know where it’s leading.

And while that sounds poetic, it can also be really freaking terrifying.

Which brings me to my point:

So… what now?

What do you do when the life you had doesn’t fit anymore?

When the job title you used to say with pride now feels like wearing someone else’s clothes?

I had planned to take a year off to bond with my baby. That part? No regrets. She’s my miracle girl. But with that choice came a whole new identity crisis I didn’t expect.

Every time I met someone new, the question would come up: “So what do you do?”

Harmless, right? A basic get-to-know-you question.

But for me? It was layered.

“I’m a stay-at-home mom… with a nonprofit.”

And although my days were jam-packed – feeding, playing, rocking, comforting – I felt this tinge of shame. Like I had to justify my worth now that I wasn’t “working.” Like I was somehow less than, now that I didn’t have clients or a pitch deck.

I’m not the business and marketing consultant right now. Or maybe I still am. I don’t know.

I’m somewhere in-between.

The messy middle.

I’ve surrendered to it.

To not knowing.

To not having a five-year plan.

To letting the tears come when they need to.

To trusting that this version of me – raw, undone, redefined – is still worthy.

Becoming a mom, witnessing the pain in the world, it’s cracked me open in ways I’m still learning to hold.

I can’t pretend it’s business as usual.

Because nothing inside me feels usual anymore.

And here’s what I’ve learned:

Forcing clarity never brings peace.

Forcing creativity when your heart isn’t in it, is like yelling at a flower to bloom faster.

It doesn’t work.

It wilts you.

So instead, I’m pausing.

Slowing down.

Trusting that the next steps will reveal themselves in time.

Because they always do.

The other day, someone said to me, “But Caryn, you’re so good at marketing and business – don’t let that talent go to waste.”

And I just smiled and said, “It’s just not my season.”

And that’s okay.

Because some seasons aren’t about building.

They’re about becoming.

And that’s exactly where I am.

If you’re in your own messy middle, I see you. It’s not easy. But maybe – just maybe – it’s the space where the truest version of you begins to emerge.

If this resonated with you. Please drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you.